Looking back many years, I remember always being a total go-getter. Whenever there was something I wanted, it wouldn’t take me long to jump into action and make it happen.
For a long time, this served me well. I always had good grades in school, graduated from university with honours, pretty much always got the jobs I wanted, got paid more than average, almost always got my dream homes, enjoyed traveling to my dream destinations whenever I wanted to.
When I started my first business, things were no different. I embarked on my entrepreneurial adventure with 100% positivity and faith. I just knew it was all going to work out, and it did! I had clients right from the start, always had more than enough income to cover all my living expenses, and within a year, I built the kind of business most start-up entrepreneurs would be more than proud of.
However, there was one problem:
Even though on the outside I was creating success with ease, on the inside, everything looked very different. I was constantly anxious, running on adrenaline, worrying a LOT (including about money—even though I really didn’t need to) … Even though I did have fun in many ways, there was also a part of me that was feeling increasingly unfulfilled, exhausted, and disconnected from life.
About a year after starting my first business, I knew something needed to change. At first, I thought that creating more passive income and doing less custom work for clients would be the answer to my problem. But quickly, I discovered that it was really something else:
What I really wanted was to feel free inside. I was longing for a deeper sense of purpose. I wanted to REALLY be able to enjoy life rather than working hard every day to maybe someday create a better future.
That’s when, very unexpectedly, my journey as a spiritual teacher began. And, with that new beginning, EVERYTHING in my life changed rapidly and profoundly.
For the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to have a real sense of inner peace.
I also found the courage to end a relationship I had felt trapped in for a while, and set the intention to “manifest” the kind of true and blissful spiritual soul-mate love that I knew was truly possible for me.
Truth be told, I had NO idea what was expecting me.
About half a year later, I met someone who felt like he could be that kind of person. My heart opened the way I had never experienced it before.
But then … I got REALLY scared.
In the past, I had always been the one in charge. The only reason my relationships worked was because I was always able to maintain a certain level of control. Control over my feelings, my body, my sexuality, the amount of intimacy that was “allowed” in the relationship …
I had learned from a young age that it wasn’t safe to trust men. I had learned that men weren’t there when I needed them, that I’d get punished for being too sensitive …
So, I soon learned to be the man in my own life. Which served me for a long time in many ways. But which also made it impossible for me to give and receive love freely, to fully trust the men in my life, to be truly close to others …
Now, after meeting this man who gave me no choice but to open my heart fully, ALL of my past wounding came to the surface.
I had no choice but to let go of control, to fully surrender to what was happening no matter how painful it was.
Over a period of several years, I experienced the same with a few more men.
Until finally I was ready to trust enough to create a different experience.
First, I learned to trust God. Then, I learned to trust myself. And finally, I met the man who was truly able to give me what I had always wanted in a relationship (while continuing to challenge me to open to love even more … it really is a journey that never ends). :)
Simultaneously, I went through a very similar transformation in my relationship with money.
It all began when I let go of my first business which simply no longer felt aligned with my heart’s desires. I had already started building my spiritually based business on the side, but now, I REALLY had to learn how to make money using my divine feminine gifts.
Up until then, I had done it all the masculine way, with lots of drive, unbreakable determination, hard work …
I knew how to MAKE things happen, but I didn’t know how to RECEIVE. I had never learned to TRULY trust, and I had never learned to feel worthy of having what I desired simply for being me.
On this journey, I had to face my worst fears, every aspect of myself that relied on control to survive, every feeling of unworthiness within myself …
And finally, I learned to surrender AND be in my power. I learned to be vulnerable AND be safe. In my relationship with God first, then with myself, with a loving partner, with the world around me, and also with money …
And yes, I still get to face some of this each time I up-level, each time I break through to a new income level in my business, each time I open up to receive more.
But the beauty of it all is:
There’s really nothing to be afraid of. In the end, there’s always more love, more connection, more joy.